this is a new text document. that is all.
this is now an old text document. that is all.
this is now redundant. that is all.
time keeps on ticking tickin tickin into the future life keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the sea… the eagles? nah definitely not. could be that I just woke up and heard the voice of a dead man ringing truths in my ear. voices echo inside and empty skull; mine. my dreams are getting stranger, more ordered as though they had purpose. mostly I remember color, swirls of color, strange colors, not normal everyday or even outlandish colors. indescribable. thats how I would describe them. sometimes I recognize people in my dreams, sometimes I wont see anything but feel what sight is. and embossed image… dreams are hard to describe because nobody ever really clearly remembers them; they flit, curl, slide, smoke-drift away. opening eyes is hitting ERASE. light scrubs clean the memory of the inside looking in.
day two of experiment one. nothing doing nothing wanting, not fighting. tooth and nail never give up never surrender… maybe I should become more snakelike more of a greazy bastard; a politician. anger was my motivator. I do not anger anymore, I reason. instinct says I should become more vicious, snake tooth poisonous. habit keeps me calm and ‘reasoning’ understanding of all that I do not (want to) Understand. perhaps I’m a week man. if so then I shall become a stronger man. what I am is just what I am. it can change. electric fast I can become someone else. it takes all kinds. yes. true. however not all kinds need be tolerated some should be stifled, others ignored not everyone gets validated. I should become an island. myself with no one else myself with nothing left. nirvana is not the end all be all of enlightenment. true knowledge comes from experience become wisdom. fuck nirvana. all lessons of life are learned in the pits of existence, only in the gutter do you see truly what is above you. only if you do not become focused on your filth. all men from any walk can turn around and see the past but few men ever think to their future path, the path beyond the one they are on, after they have attained worldly acceptance. what is on the other side of death? does not mater. life is what we have right now. life is all we have. happiness, depression, denial, acceptance, hate, love, understanding, blah fucking blah… enlightenment comes from living.
this is a secret document. that means absolutely nothing.
today is a happy day.
I feel happy but cant show, oh no.
I am beat down. oh yes,
life is horrible.
so day three of experiment one. good day not bad did some stuff, had a nap gave opinions on things tried new things, learned somethings so I should be able to live another day. one pill a day keeps the bad things away, the doctor away, myself locked away. but I stopped taking my pills, I lost them… or they lost themselves. caffeine free for another day. no jitters and shakes, no headaches.some things are needed by the body others are craved. I need nothing but crave all things. I could live without all but food and I would live yes, but I would not be happy. then again all man need to do is live, and produce, he does not need but he wants, keep moving… the secret to contentment is in oneself. but I do not want to be content. keep moving… a happy man is a poor man. become a rich man realizing he is poor and a smart man validated for his thoughts and a slow man given praise for is being. realization of things as they are and validation of things as they are by others. happiness. fleeting and rare. just keep swimming just keep swimming… truth in the mouth of a fish, a movie cartoon fish.
day four of experiment one. (blank space)
day five of experiment one. _________________________________________________
no further entries this space
hey hey my my… rock and roll will never die, and neither will I. not for a while at least; a long while. honesty is a very great thing, but not always appreciated and not always timely. pick the time in which you are going to say: ‘hey let go of your past all ready; its already let go of you!’ that could be a problem though. I always let go of the past too easily. I let things go… well not always, I will fight till their is no point, depending on the situation. not really any one subject comes to mind today. just wondering from point to point useless point. I hate this damn keyboard! well theres something: I spent some time today writing on a piece of paper, just whatever came to mind, doodling. it reminded me of what I used to do when I was in highschool. just scribbling on whatever I had to write on. it passed the time and helped me to cope with all the sensory and mental input I was receiving at the time. I should have smoke weed, I think it would have helped me out, now I write songs and talk to myself. slkdjfslkdjfslkdjfslkdjfslkdjfslkdjfslkdjfslkdjf. I dont always make sense.blah blah blah blah blah balha balha balha balha balha. respect me for my position!! nah. fuck you, you have done nothing to earn respect so fuck off. thats what I would like to say to these fuckoffs who dont do shit dont know shit and expect others to cover their shit.but its the game right? play and get played dont play and get buried. I fucking hate this shit, why cant people be more honorable, have some fucking morals, hold themselves to some sort of fucking code?
balha balha balha: day six of expirement one.
days seven through nine of experiment one. nada…
day ten. of experiment one. empty.
day eleven: ———————cencoredthoughts————————
day twelve of experiment one… yeah, thought I had something to write about, some deep something, but no. I got nothing. someone congratulated me the other day about being motivated and not seeing things that are easy as hard. it wasnt what he said it was the way he said it made it seem as though he saw me as like hem. I dont really want to be associated with someone who is full of their own importance. when a person cant see beyond their own needs or cant stop to hear anothers words then they are no longer worth listening to. everything they say is about them and does not contribute. I guess I do things a little differently; when I am having a conversation with someone I am trying to learn as much as possible about that person, my focus is not so much about letting them know about me. this experiment started as a way to get random thoughts to paper,or rather to bits. I think it has only partially succeeded. dont talk about people talk to people address what your bitch is address your own problems, what you hate you are, what you see is in you. a log is splinter it all the same. why does it bother you? maybe I should be more self-centered? not really, its hard to find a balance between self-center and other-aware. self awareness should be the goal of all men. to be able to control your every reaction is to be perfectly protected from others actions. what will you do in this situation? being self aware is good but one should not become other-blind. it is good to know others.
day 14 of experiment one:
a poem a poem.
if I could write a poem
it would be about me-you.
if I were to write a poem
it would be the greatest piece of litritture
the world had ever seen-heard.
I could-would be the greatest
poet of all time.
if I could write a poem-poetry.
if I could think of a verse-rhyme
I would be able to speak in time-rhyme
to the beat-rhythm
of all this is-was
but I cant write.
I cant type.
I cant think.
I cant be.
but I can look-pretend
to be a great-small
much loved figure
of american literature.
I wish I were not who I am but rather who I was/was suposed to be. the I could be what I remember what I could have been had I not been what I am. then all would know me or have known me and it would be a different/same me that you know. but I am me still changing; one day to become someone who is not, nore should be, but will be me. I am a product still to be delivered but non-the-less bartered for and bought, sold and forgot. I am what is not to be but will be not me at some future destination.
unknown day of experiment one.
Thus Endeth The Experiment.
p.s. it was a good way to stay calm and focused during the underway. the ability to place my thoughts, random though they were, in some form of permanence was… it felt good to be able to do it. I am not the best of speakers and my mind works in such a way that the response or the right thing to say gets jumble//jangled between thought and speech-action. anyway experiment two is up and running now so this will be placed on that as a reminder of what was before. we should never forget where we come from.