I Cant remember… at the moment

There is a memory I have, I can’t recall at the moment, but I’m not entirely sure it’s mine. I was replaying it in my mind a while ago and while I was I thought to myself, ‘what is this? It can’t be mine, I don’t remember that.’ It was very vivid, even if I can’t recall it now, maybe latter. It comes to me at random times, I’ll be sitting there and this memory will assault me, just not now. No memory ever comes on demand it seems, they have their own agenda. It’s like trying to catch motes of light reflecting dust. Memories… They just float like bits of brightly colored flotsam and jetsam; they sway-seesaw to the ground like autum leaves. Beautifully Uncatchable.

a missing elevator ride

Today while riding the elevator to my room I lived an alternate reality… I think. Either that our I remembered things I had forgotten. Whatever it was I arrived at my floor without having passed any other floor, just get in, get out. Now these elevators are not very fast either, their rickety and old, they take forever to get started and sometimes don’t stop where their supos’ to and when they do stop it very nearly sends you to the floor, but not this time. I stepped in and I stepped out, no in-between. In the minute or so that it takes to get from ground to floor I lived something else, I don’t even really remember it, that other-life,  just pieces… Like shreds of a sheet flapping madly in the wind.

To Remember

While I was in the shower the other day memories played in my mind. Through the steam drift and water sound memories wound and flitted, ghost like, between the trees in my head. Brief impressions of people and things, loved ones and ones not so. During this I thought and I felt what would have been… Remembering my memories I superimposed Ideas of might-have-been. Our memories are such fragile things, they change with mood and with every retelling of an old story. I thought of how I would like my memories to be, what would have been better. I put in people who don’t exist in place of the people who do, myself included. The emotions in memories are transitory, I cant rightly recall when I was once angry or happy. The feelings that stick out the most I guess are love and affection, sadness, regret and rage. Beyond those simple few is all grey; and even those are suspect. Regret comes latter I suppose, after the fact when we imagine what was that could have been. I hate “could-have-been”. I try not to let myself slip into that kind of remembering, it was what was, it was life. You lived those memories, remember them as they were, don’t regret life. Faces and names, places and sights, sounds of laughter and tears. These and more slip by my eyes like steam drift, warming and leaving faint trace of passing. These and more bring smile and frown to my face. To remember is… Divine. What would life be without our memories? To remember is… Human. Hard won wisdoms and hard lessons. To remember. To remember.